


Lizard Lust

by Silvery_Moon_Thing



Category: LeafyIsHere - Fandom
Genre: Blackmail, Creepy Internet Stalking, F/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-07-27 15:11:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7623583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvery_Moon_Thing/pseuds/Silvery_Moon_Thing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calvin makes some videos on absolutely fantastic people, then sees a certain commenter with a lovely profile picture.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Super Creepy Stalker Lizard-Dude

**Author's Note:**

  * For [catsonvenus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsonvenus/gifts).



> A change of style for catsonvenus who wrote me some lovely sinnery :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Leafy was chilling with Barack Obama and Joe Biden one day, surfing the web, trying to find some high-quality content. Just as he was giving up hope, about to shoot himself in the head, Obama found a video that restored their hope in humanity, one that gave them the will to live again. "Hold on guys," Leafy said, anxious to play the video, "I've gotta make a video about this." He got his microphone out and proceeded to tell the tale of how he found a video that would restore their hope in humanity, then gave the wind-up, and played the video.  
"What is up guys, Joey Maca-fucking-roni here, and today I'll be showing you how to make your own anime body pillow!"  
Leafy paused the video and spoke into his mic, saying, "Hold up guys, take a look at what this Joey Macaroni is wearing. What is that? Is it like, some kind of ancient voodoo necklace? Like seriously, what the fuck is up with his outfit? I'm not against like, Indian culture or anything, but seriously, this guy is wearing a fucking tarp as a shirt! I don't know about you guys, but I've never heard of any cultures that wear tarps as shirts!" He put on a voice, imitating his audience, "B-but Leafy, that's actually th-the the the, Q 90 87, the newest in comfort wear-" He switched back to his normal voice. "Shut up." He played the video again, and repeated this process, recording commentary on all of it. One joke he was especially proud of, where Joey was sewing on a fucking anime face piece to a pillow, where he said, "I don't mean to be sexist or anything, but isn't that something only those weeaboo girls do? You know who, the ones that are so obsessed with anime that they think their body pillow is fucking alive? Like, last I checked, this was not a normal activity for guys that are like, how old is he? 17? Fucking 17? Since when did 17 year old boys do this kind of shit? It's not right, man. It's not right."  
When he got home from the White House, he edited his video and uploaded it to YouTube. Not five minutes later, there were over 2,000 views, 500 likes and 200 comments. Scrolling through some of them, he found that they consisted mostly of (surprise, surprise) people calling him Dad, people asking him to literally have sex with them, and people saying he was a cyberbully and that he needed to be stopped. One comment, though, stood out. A picture of a sexy looking lizard next to the profile name "Femmi" caught his eye. The picture was obviously click-bait, but he didn't know about the name. "Femmi"? What kind of a name is that? Ignoring the name, he looked at the actual comment:

Leafy, you are the scum of the internet and are super sexist. I am super triggered right now. You need to be stopped!!!!!>:( >:( >:( >:(

He shook his head. Just another person accusing him of being an awful human being. Just another person accusing him of being human. He was a reptilian, and didn't want to be at all related or compared to the scum that is humanity. The internet had taught him his lesson about that; humans were not to be trusted, at all costs. That's why he didn't really listen to all those commenters; they were just humans. This one, though, suddenly seemed different. That click-bait picture was suddenly looking a whole lot more real. No, he told himself, it's just an online image! But he couldn't shake the thought. Trying his best to ignore it, he went to bed.  
When he woke up, he searched around the web with Pewdiepie, trying to find some more high quality internet videos. They found a music video, and he made another video on it. Once again, people immediately flooded it with support, and looking through the comments, he saw Femmi again:

Once again you prove yourself to be the most sexist person on all of Earth. Sexism is a real problem in the world and you are just contributing to the problem!!!!! >:( >:( >:( >:(

This time, the attraction of her profile picture finally set in, and he clicked on her channel. He saw that her main channel art was even better than her profile picture, the same lizard looking at the camera with a look of pure lust. Now his theory that it was real started to firm up, amongst other things. Looking at her videos, he saw that she mostly made slam poetry videos. He clicked on one, curious, and was immediately startled and relieved to find that the same lizard from her profile pictures was on a stand in front of a microphone. She started speaking, and her voice was like heaven: deep and throaty, almost croaking. Of course, to a human, it probably wouldn't be that attractive, but to him, it was the epitome of beauty. Now of course, that still didn't change that she was talking about enslaving all men to serve for woman, and how that was her idea of 'gender equality'. She wasn't making any logical sense, but her voice more than made up for it.  
He decided she must be his.  
He subscribed to her; not so that he could see her videos, not to support her; no, he just wanted to monitor her activity feed. Over the next few weeks, he learned a lot. Most of the time when she commented, she was just calling someone sexist, but sometimes, on other totally-destroy-everyone-that-isn't-a-man videos, she would leave a snippet of her information. After a couple months, he knew what town she lived in, which part. After a few more months, he knew that she lived in an apartment building and that she was on the upper levels. Finally, after seven months of stalking her, he found out which room number she was in, he knew exactly where she lived, and he knew exactly when she would be there. He got in his car and turned it on, headed for Ohio.  
He was going hunting for Lizard Cougars.


	2. The Crazed Lizard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leafy shows up at the building, but things don't go quite as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is really short, and this story is becoming way longer than I had meant for it to be, but that doesn't matter, I uploaded! Right? Right.

When Calvin found the apartment building he was looking for, it was just like he thought it would be. Well, kind of. The street was like he thought it would be, but he really didn't know what he thought the front would look like. All of his guesses were based off of Google Maps. Regardless, he walked up to the door and rang the buzzer.  
"Hello, what is your business here - today..." He heard the man falter looking through the camera at a giant walking lizard.  
"I'm here to visit floor 5, please."  
"Yes sir, right away." The man suddenly shook it off and unlocked the doors for him. He walked in like nothing had just happened. He had long ago grown used to people staring at him. At this point, none of it even really got to him. Every now and then, a crazy person would give him a death stare that kind of creeped him out, but he would just return it and keep going. If it really got to him he just wouldn't look at them, but that didn't happen often. Most of the time it was just stares of confusion and wonder. He walked through the lobby and into the elevator, everyone that saw him suddenly freezing as though a talking lizard didn't live in the building. Idiots.  
The elevator door opened with a ring, and he stepped out onto the fifth floor. There was a corridor stretching out around him, and it looked like it made turns at both ends, so that there were more smaller rooms. He looked at the piece of paper he had hurriedly scratched the information he needed on: "25 West Ave., 5th floor, Room 87." He scanned through the rooms on either side of him: 15 on the left and 17 on the right. Right it was, then. He started down the corridor, scanning the rooms as he passed them, 21, 24, 29, 33, 37, and the hallway split into two in a dead end. Looking to his left, he saw the numbers continue, 40, 42, so on, and to the right, he saw the same thing, but starting from 60, and going to 63, 67, etc. Deciding not to waste time, he set of the the right again. Looking through the mess of numbers, he saw the 60s, and then the 70s, slip past him, and soon found himself facing room 87. He looked at it relative to all the other doors and found something strange: it was exactly the same. No lizard-like features, no intense slam poetry, nothing but the exact same door. Losing hope quickly, he knocked on the door, and got no response, not even a shuffle from within. Knocking again, this time more firmly, he added a, "Hello? Anybody home?" When he still got no response, he gave up and backed up, about to charge it. He ran forward, busting the door open, and probably breaking the lock forever. He looked around and found... no one.  
He knew that nobody was in here, too, because there were no accessories adorning the room, just some basic furniture and... that was pretty much it. There was a window on the far side of the room, but that wasn't much, and it didn't have a very good view regardless. He very quickly realized that either a) she had moved, or b) he didn't have the right address to begin with, which seemed pretty likely. Walking out of the room, he saw that alarms were going off, and quickly added two and two to realize that that was probably him busting down the door. He ran back to the elevator, only to find that it was disabled because of the alarms. They were probably charging the stairs, so that wasn't really an option. The alarms were making a constant wave of noise, so people were starting to come out of their rooms to see what was happening. He realized that if he didn't get out of there quickly, he was going to jail for breaking and entering, and that Femmi would see him on the news, but not getting quite the impression he wanted. Panicking, he looked around for any way to get out of the building. His eyes glanced down to the end of the corridor, and he remembered the room. /The window./ He darted down the hallway and made a violent turn at the end, busting into the room and making a break for the window. He heard the doors to the stairs open violently and boots started running towards the room. /Crap, they know where I am!/ Giving up on any notion of stealth in exchange for speed, he smashed open the window and jumped out.  
He landed on the fire escape, overlooking the city filled with smog. There was so much exhaust in the air it was kind of hard to breath, but he decided it was better than being SWAT-ed and ran down the stairs. His eyes started watering as he got closer to all the cars and factories, but he paid it no mind. He was too focused on not dying. He heard(and felt) heavy boots pound down on the top of the fire escape, and then again as they rushed down the steps and reinforcements followed. /No more time... think fast.../ He started rushing through possibilities of what he could do before they caught him, which wouldn't be long, considering how quickly they were trailing him. /Jump./ The same voice that had told him to go through the window was telling him to jump off the fire escape. Great, now even his mind wanted him dead. /Jump./ But he couldn't let go of the thought. /Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump./ Well, then again, it had told him to jump before, and it wasn't wrong that time...  
Before he knew what he was doing, he hurled himself over the side of the fire escape, immediately feeling the wind rushing over his scales. Looking down, he saw that there wasn't anything below him but a three-story drop onto the pavement. Great, he finally had lost it and was officially suicidal. Just the way to go out. He could already see the headlines: 'Crazed Lizard Breaks Into Apartment; Jumps to Death.' He made a mental note that if he somehow survived this, he was /never/ listening/ to the voice in his head again. /Ever./  
Then everything went black.


	3. A Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected acquaintance makes a deal with Calvin, setting quite the future for a certain lizard-man.

When Calvin woke up, he was surprised to find that he wasn't actually in jail, or on a hospital bed, or even on the sidewalk where he landed. Instead, he was sitting in a room he had never seen before, until he noticed... a body pillow sitting in the corner of the room. The same one that Joey Maca-fucking-roni had made in his hit video. Sitting in the darkest of the room, his silhouette barely visible against the darkly shaded crème walls behind him, was the culprit himself, softly stroking the aforementioned body pillow.  
"Joey Macaroni?"  
"Hello, Leafy. I saw your 'amazing' video."  
He gulped. There was definitely something sinister behind this. "Oh, did you?" It suddenly seemed a whole lot hotter in the room.  
"Yes." He stood up and started walking toward Calvin, leaning over him. "Yes, I did."  
"Well that's interesting." He tried to get up, tried to even move, but it seemed like all of the muscles below his neck were paralyzed, frozen. Had he been drugged? Or was that just the side effect of jumping three floors down onto a concrete sidewalk?  
"It is, isn't it?" His face was shaded menacingly by the faint light of a lamp on the other side of the room.  
Trying to change the topic, he asked, "Uh, so, why am I in your apartment?"  
Joey just leaned back and let out a roaring laughter. When he finally controlled himself and managed to subside his outburst, he leaned back in and brought his voice back down to an almost whisper. "I'm here to make a little deal with you, isn't that right, Sakura?" He stroked one of his many body pillows, this one apparently named 'Sakura'.  
He let out a nervous laugh. "What... /kind/ of deal?"  
Once again, Joey smiled. "A trade. You help me, and I don't report you to the police." He pulled out his phone, turning it on and moving his finger threateningly close to the '9' button on his phone. "Seems fair to me, how about you?"  
"What do you mean, 'help' you?" He was pretty nervous, but helping Mr. Macaroni definitely seemed better then going to jail.  
"Does that mean you accept?" He raised his eyebrow questioningly. They both knew who was in charge here.  
Sighing, accepting that no matter what, Joey was going to win, he spat out venomously, "Fine." Looking up with eyes that told anyone how he was the lowest of the low, not above anything, he said flatly, "What do I need to do?"  
Joey, smiling, told him, "I need you to help me 'take care of' a few... people."  
All the color drained from his face. "You want me to kill people?!? Are you insane?" He could feel something stirring in his arms as he tried to fling them around erratically.  
"What? No, no, no! That's SUCH a brutish way to handle the situation." He suddenly acted very posh, despite being a crazy body pillow man. "I simply want you to... 'eliminate' a few people. You see, I have a few enemies," he was slowly sliding some pictures towards Calvin, in a very creepy way, "and it would be most beneficial if you, what would a good word be, 'encourage' their downfalls?" Looking down at the pictures in front of him, Leafy saw five decently dressed, seemingly average people, all sitting in front of some seemingly random environment, ranging from a simple house to a city to nature.  
"Okay, so what do I have to do?" He was ready to do some pretty insane things to stay out of the hands of the FBI, like stealing, or framing someone, or-  
"Destroying their businesses."  
"What?"  
"You heard me. You're going to break into their offices and make enough big enough cuts that their businesses are going to fall to the ground. Then, in their time of need, I'll swoop in and buy out their company - with the money /you'll/ provide for me out of /their/ pockets!" He looked like any second he was going to burst out in outrageous maniacal laughter, but he somehow resisted the urge. Once again, creepy pillow man leaned in to the lizard's face, adding in a whisper, "Clear enough now?" At Calvin's disturbed face, he leaned back and finally letting into his instincts, shaking the whole apartment with roaring laughter. Finally it subsided, leaving an uneasy lizard and a seemingly insane man.  
"So, um, should I... go now?"  
"Oh, yes, yes. Now of course, you can't be knowing where my hideout is, can you?" Hesitantly, the paralyzed reptilian nodded, and suddenly felt his entire body seize up.  
"What... did you... do?" It was a struggle to force his jaw unclenched, and even then, it was pretty hard to talk.  
"Oh, it's not what I did- it's what I didn't do." He almost mockingly stroked the reptilian's skin, earning a growl from his scaly counterpart. "I simply gave you an antidote that only lasted for around fifteen minutes- just enough to get you on my side before I set you off to do my bidding. I'm sure you'll find the accommodations I will make for you most delightful. Now, now, don't try to fight it; your muscles will only further contract." As he struggled against the poison surging throughout his entire body, his body tensed up in response, the chemicals prodding at his reflexes just enough that he was forced into a painless yet demobilizing prison of his own body.  
"Bastard..." was all he could get out before everything went black and he felt all of his muscles go slack.


End file.
